I, like many moms out there, was severely sleep deprived for over 8 months. Typing it out, it doesn’t seem so bad, but when you’re in the throws of waking up 4-6 times a night, you start to lose your sense of humour.
It, however, became my normal. I could cope, I could get through the day, an extra cup of coffee here and there, a nap in the afternoon – but all this was while I was still on maternity leave. Those precious four months you get to spend trying to figure out how to bring up a tiny person the best way you know how. It’s 80% instinct, 20% intervention.
But the real struggle hit home when I went back to work. Between the two parents we figured out a routine where we’d aim for one hour on, one hour off. This soon became one night on one night off. Then it became one week on, one week off, and when that didn’t work – we hired a night nurse for one night a week. And how I longed for that night to arrive!
But when she left, it was back to reality, and back to waking every two or so hours through the night. Even when it wasn’t my turn, I habitually and instinctively woke every time she whimpered, said eh, rolled over or cried.
After five months of no sleep, we attempted sleep training, our own version of course, and a no nonsense tough love approach. Boy did we fail. Parents, don’t try this at home without the help and guidance of an experienced someone who has a. done it themselves successfully or b. written a book about it.
She screamed blue murder for three nights, until we caved and went back to feeding her every two or so hours. Rewind: there is some history to this two hour feeding thing.
When Lex was born, she was four weeks early. I now realise I was completely unprepared (as are we all) and so out of my depth, that I listened to everything anyone told me, from mid-wives, to nurses, to other moms who have gone before me. Bad idea. The hospital told me to ‘top her up’ with formula. Which I did for the three days we were there. Then we returned home, and on advice form a sister at a clinic, I was told under no circumstances to top my child up as she must be purely breast fed.
Two problems here, there was no milk, and well, there was no milk. So for 36 hours I starved my child. She screamed for this entire duration, I panicked, she turned yellow, really yellow, and we landed up back at the hospital only 36 hours after leaving it. And Lex was admitted with severe jaundice and dehydration. I had starved my child! Try dealing with that blow four days after becoming a mom!
Anyway, she was admitted for a week, rehydrated, brought back to a Caucasian tone, and released back into my care. OH my oath – why would anyone entrust me with my own child when I had clearly starved her for her first few days of life??
And that’s when the paranoia set in. If Lexi cried, I’d feed her, if she whimpered, I’d feed her, she woke up, I fed her, she slept, I’d wake her to feed her. I was so beside myself with worry that I’d starve her again, that I got her into a routine of snacking every two hours. Naturally she couldn’t sustain herself through the night, which led to her waking every two hours. Sometimes more frequently. And each time she did, I’d feed her.
At seven months, we attempted sleep training again, and let her cry for a week – because this time, the books aid you have to leave them and they’ll eventually get the message. Not my Lex. It was heart breaking, and amidst all of this, I was constantly reminded by parents of children who don’t sleep, that children, well, don’t sleep. And I better get used to it. But I refused to accept this. So off we went to the Chiropractor, there must be something wrong with her back, neck, shoulder, who knows, but the Chiro could surely fix her. And 10 short minutes into the appointment, I was met with an answer I so desperately didn’t want to hear – “There’s nothing wrong with her!”.
It was also around this time that Spencer (husband) said to me one evening, “Stop trying to fix her, she’s not broken.” To which I replied through clenched jaws, “I know that, but I AM”.
And on went my pursuit to find one nights sleep. Just one. A friend recommended a programme, which is a gentle form of sleep training coupled with a correct routine and feeding schedule. I was hesitant, but was willing to try anything. Night one wasn’t great, but on night two, she slept through. My life changed that very morning.
But, and there is a but, I still hold onto those long days that followed those sleepless nights, and to this day, if Lexi moans, cries briefly, or is a little unsettled, I find myself panicking that she’s going to go back to not sleeping. And it really freaks me out! Last night was a bad night, she’s either got gastro or is teething, and she woke at 2am and didn’t fall asleep again until 4am. I am absolutely shattered, I nearly fell asleep while driving this afternoon, and I am just about to go to bed. It’s 9pm!
So to all you parents who are struggling with sleepless nights, please know that every child has the capacity to sleep, it’s up to you to help them get there. And when they do, you will be so grateful that you listened to yourself and persevered. I carry this statement that was said to me: Nicky, it takes 27 days to die from starvation, it takes 11 days to die from sleep deprivation – the choice is yours…
We all have to sleep, for how long at a time is the choice.
Keep it real :)
N
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