Sixteen

Clothes shopping since I had a baby has not been easy – in fact it’s been mortifying. I used to be comfy size 12 before I fell pregnant, but now… I’ll get to that part.

Not only did my clothes size change – but my body shape is completely different too. For one – I don’t really have a waist anymore, and my once (very long ago) washboard stomach now has a resident pouch. My bum has grown, a lot – and my thighs, yes they’re pretty different too.

I thought it would be easy to lose the weight, I really did. So many people told me, it’ll fall off if you breastfeed. I have read mags that all say – do this to get your pre-pregnancy shape back. Do that to look like you did at 18. Do this and your boobs will regain their shape. Do that and your bum will look like J-Lo’s. And the pressure was on. I remember one particular day very clearly, Lexi was 16 weeks old, and I was moaning about not losing weight fast enough at a girl’s breakfast. To which I received a resounding reply – IT’S ONLY BEEN FOUR MONTHS.

It suddenly felt ok that I was still 10kgs overweight. But then at eight months, I recall having a similar melt down, only to be met with – maybe you should join the gym, and here’s an eating plan. That’s when everything hit home. If I don’t do something about this weight very soon, it’s going to become a resident evil that I’ll have to carry around with me forever.

Back to clothes shopping – I have popped into Woolies, Jo Borkett, Forever New (large people don’t even bother going in there – seriously, the clothes are all so beautiful but they’re made for super skinny people – just a warning, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.) on the odd occasion, only to leave empty handed. I know there are clothes out there that will fit me, but I’m not quite prepared to accept that I’m a size 16!! – there I said it. That is one number I am so afraid of, I hide the labels on the hanger so people won’t see what size I’m trying on, I try and fold the waist in so it’s looks smaller when I hand them back to the fitting room room attended – all so that no one really knows what size I am.

How stupid is that – they don’t care what size I am. But I do. I really really do. And as long as I don’t accept it, I will be able to lose the weight.

I even find myself hiding from photos nowadays – because when I see myself I usually hit delete.

My biggest motivator is that I want to be fit and healthy, so that I can keep up with the antics of an almost one year old. I also want to lose this weight before i fall pregnant again, because I am not about to write another post down the line complaining that I now have 20kgs to lose!

Am I putting myself under unnecessary pressure? I don’t think so. I think we need to love our bodies, and protect them. We need to carry them for many many years – so it’s up to me to make sure that I do this for myself in the best way possible.

It has now been 10 months and I still have 10kgs to lose – but I am finally off the couch. I have set an intention to run the Knysna half-marathon in July. I have entered, hell I even bought the t-shirt.

And now, I’m off on a training run with Spen – he’s my coach, he ran 10kms yesterday, he’s never run 10kms in all the time I’ve known him, which is 12 years – so that makes him my hero. If he can do it, then so can I (that’s my competitive streak talking now).

I am also joining boot camp after the Easter hols – Spen reminded me that this was a much better option than joining a gym, because even though you’re competing against yourself, it’s the competition that motivates me. And the fact that I have an appointment, and that I’m not the only one suffering.

So I leave you with this: If you don’t love your body – then nobody else will!

Keep it real.

xxx